Several years back when all of my children lived at home under one roof with a house so small we only have one bathroom for 6 people, (3 of which are girls), my son made a request. Our little house with barely any room for the essentials was full of clutter a myriad of toys and hobbies, and activities for all ages.
My second son was exploring several different hobbies himself at this time and took an interest in my father’s 12 string guitar. He would go to my parents house after school for a visit and find himself spending way too much time trying to tune the guitar and once in tune found it particularly difficult to play as a starter as it had twice the number of strings as a normal guitar.
So, he made the ask. “Dad can I get a guitar?” Without even thinking about his feelings I went straight into conventional dad mode and with one swoop initiated shutting that idea down. “Son, our house is too crowded and I’m not paying for an instrument that’s just going to sit in the corner of your room and take up space.”
I’ve always prided myself on being a pretty good dad, listening to my children, connecting with what is going on behind the scenes and asking the right questions that lead them to a deeper understanding of themselves and how they connect to the world around them. My kids have always been able to talk to me about anything and often times share more than I bargain for. But at this crucial moment, that dad was not present, my son got the robot that was programed to say “no,” not look at the potential, and deny him his wish based off of some trivial notion that likely had more to do with me and my failings than the potential growth of my son.
The beauty is, all the other times I hit the nail on the head paid off. My son may have even strategized this ask knowing what my initial response would be. We play chess from time to time and strategy of interaction and knowing people’s psychology he knew exactly the right words to get his ask. “But I’ve saved my own money and have done my research to know I can purchase a cheeper guitar and put higher quality strings on it and then I won’t need to spend near as much time tuning it.” The other part of the pitch is knowing how prized self taught knowledge and skills are valued in our household. Did I mention he was already looking into going to law school? At that point he rested his case and checkmate, I had no other moves to make.
The day the guitar arrived I had never seen him so excited. He was more excited than when he had saved up half of the money for an Xbox and I had matched his funds. He unwrapped it and maybe strummed it a few times just to truly know the difference between the stock strings and the ones that he shortly after unpackaged and began to install independently himself. He beamed with pride and love and anticipation for his journey to develop a skill no-one else in our household possessed.
I don’t even remember the difficult times or any horrible sounds coming from his learning process. I remember the song he made up when he had his first string break, “I got no G cord.” He even took that part of the learning process in his stride continuing to play until his next set of strings arrived. Our house was regularly filled with his playing in the background and he began to teach himself how to sing as well. He even started playing for the church he attended in high school.
I still tear up thinking of the first song he learned for his mother, the slow acoustic version of “Take On Me” by Ah Ha. Both of us were lost for words and full of tears when we heard him play it. A sure sign of the love and appreciation he has for his mom.
If I could tell my fellow fathers out there one thing this story taught me, it would be that we aren’t going to get it right all the time and that’s not only ok, but sometimes necessary. Our kids will make the right or wrong moves often times despite our input or efforts to dissuade them. They also need to learn the skill of standing up for themselves and the ability to logically state their case. If your children admire and respect you while also choosing to spend time with you, you’re doing something right. Remember modeling grace for yourself is still parenting and will serve your children if they choose to become parents one day themselves.
https://youtu.be/J46sRuj99Cw?si=MHPlR6pmOVAPgyax