"To What End?"

Photo by Adobe Farmhouse Photography

Many of us are simply walking through life on auto pilot.  We do things based off of what we know and what we’ve always done.  Lead around in life by a story we developed over an event in our youth with every message we picked up about ourselves adding to it along the way.  This story is ours, it’s personal and defines who we are, therefore, it’s deeply meaningful to us.  Unfortunately we often get stuck reading the same lines from a script that though once served us now has become an excuse to justify both the actions we take and the inaction that might actually serve us better.

I tend to believe that things are in a constant state of getting better and worse at the same time.  I know this seems like an oxymoron and could likely have an entire study based on an explanation for this, but let’s just focus on some basics for the sake of keeping this a quick read.  The flux of the messages to “be stoic” with ones feelings, to “sharing your feelings,” to “feelings don’t matter,” to “of course they matter” is exhausting.  The topic is treated like the swing of a pendulum all the way over from one side and back to the next.  Where a middle ground with a serving purpose really fits the bill.

“I don’t feel like it.”  Recognizing this as a valid response to basic action is absurdity.  “I don’t feel like brushing my teeth, putting my dishes away, going to the gym, going into work, etc…”  Your feelings don’t matter with regard to these things.  “Suck it up buttercup!”  These things are petty, not really something worth having feelings about.  If you don’t agree I would suggest you stop reading now or commit to reading all the way through.  The same sentiment goes for most things we hold on to, even with the real things, real pains, real griefs, real traumas.

I can’t tell you how easy it is to fall into the trap of listening to someone share their life, their trauma, the events that have created the person I see before me and ending up focusing on the wrong thing.  When someone feels safe enough to share their story, their pain with you they are looking for validation and we often desire to give them the very thing they are looking for.  Validation that they have the right to be angry, to hold onto resentment, to stay where they are and never change.  Validation that another has ruined their life. Validation for their struggle with being stuck for so many years in self defeating or self destructive behaviors.  So I ask, “Is their sharing purposeful?”  Most who want to see someone be able to simply get out their pain will blurt out a fortified “YES!”  Then for the next question, “To What End?”

I’ve seen some therapists support patients to stay in a holding pattern and actually use their personal unresolved issues to not only justify inaction in their client, but in themselves as well.  By perpetuating a rumination cycle their clients get a tiny bit of release, a dopamine hit,  and relief from the sharing, but end up only seeking that relief again from sharing the experience and not actually moving forward.  Some will even seek relief in the reaction of others hearing their story and the depths of sympathy they receive back from such a horrific sharing of their story.  Worse yet, some will add emotional intensity or detail to further illicit a more dramatic response from those who can’t fathom the depth of pain that comes with such an experience.  The creation of a toxic relating promotes something along the lines of trauma bonding, (maybe more aptly put as secondary trauma bonding).  So I ask again, “To What End?”

“To What End?”  Should be held in the background while listening to someone share. It is a tool that people traversing the healing process should keep focus on when deciding to share with others.  At very least, the answer to the question should be, “to begin to heal.”  But this too should come with exploration into what that would look like and nurturing a realistic expectation with actions that can promote healing rather than keeping people stuck in their story with fortified excuses to justify staying in the comfort and familiarity of their pain.

As a counselor I was taught to not bring an agenda to the session and I still believe this approach holds great value for meeting people where they are today. As a coach having “To What End?” waiting in the background gives opportunity for an individual to begin taking charge. Taking charge of the direction of their story rather than falling victim to a narrative that is overdue for some major edits or at very least some small shifts in perspective. Taking charge can guide them into action and daily practice so they might choose which story they would like to perpetuate into the future.